Insomnia is the most insidious, isolating, merciless ##### (!!!!!).
I’ve had it all my life. My mother used to say I would never sleep well as a baby and constantly cry, no matter how she tried to soothe me. My earliest memories of being unable to sleep throughout the night is punctuated by scary hallucinations of shadows creeping about on the walls. Back then it was fine, I didn’t know my sleeping pattern was unusual or harmful. During high school and uni I can honestly say it was my saving grace and the ONLY time in my life I was grateful for it.
But only true insomnia sufferers will know how torturous it truly is.. especially now that I’ve started working, with no option but to work non-stop with full, sharp attention in critical medical situations in operating theatres I am at the end of my patience and sanity with this affliction. More times than I’m willing to admit I’ve looked at patients being administered Midaz or Propofol, or blissfully asleep in Recovery with genuine envy. Especially when they groggily declare, “that was the best sleep of my life.”
I’ve just gotten back from my 3rd night shift, and I’ve worked 6 of the past 7 days. I barely know what day it is. I’ve only slept 5 hours in the past 4 nights!! My colleague said, “at this rate you’re gonna have a cardiac arrest.” Well. Better there than home. No better place for a Code Blue actually..
There’s a lot I want to say but 3 letters will suffice:
And I miss my baby boy Terry so much.. I’ve only really allowed myself to think about him thrice since he had to be put down a year and a half ago, and thrice I wept. In the months following his passing I’d often have auditory hallucinations of his paws trotting around the house, and even now when there’s a slight creak of a door my first thought is that it’s Terry nosing his way into my room.
I miss him so much and regret not taking more photos of him.
I think I’m just really exhausted out of my mind and need to get more than 1 hour of sleep today for real. I’ve got one more night shift to survive..
Wish me luck.