My 13 Month Memoir

By Hana X and Project Janeuine.
unedited raw rough building phase recording

:: LYRICS ::

I’m gonna lose all of you and everything I’ve wanted
Is this fair something that you wouldn’t mind
If I’m to lose all of you could you come right back to haunt me
Could you turn into something I could find

I’m gonna lose all of me in this wave that’s creeping higher
I can’t help but stand and watch from underneath
In a moment she’s gonna feed and I can’t do much to fight her
She will come she will sweep me off my feet

And I’m not ready to to leave our world behind me
But most of all I’m desperate not to leave you lonely
And I’m not willing to to lose my grip or mind
Although I’m terrified to tell you that I love you then goodbye
Then goodbye

I’m gonna lose all of us I can’t stand to watch this happen it’s not fair I can’t get you off my mind

It’s been 13 months since first working as a Registered Nurse doing a perioperative new graduate program. I rotated through scrub/scout, anaesthetics, recovery, and day surgery nursing – half of it was a wonderful new world, the other half pure hell, and I’ve emerged quite a different person.

I’ve been meaning to journal daily things I’d learned or experienced, but nope.. not even ONCE. Don’t want to think .. or remember .. but it’d be interesting to read back on this in the far future, and I’d read Oprah Winfrey’s ‘What I Know For Sure’ recently and was inspired.

Notes to self from my 13 months:

  • always be a grateful and keen learner, even when your “teacher” is .. not an ideal one
  • adapt, adapt, adapt. revise, revise, revise. It’s supposed to be hard in the beginning, WORK to get better faster.
  • some days, the only positive thing I could think of and be grateful for was not being hit by a bus to/from work.. but I think I’m getting better at being positive and choosing to be happy
  • stop rushing about. Take a step back and observe carefully first.
  • I remember looking after a very frail old European lady in Recovery who spoke no English. I was busy running between another more critical patient of mine and helping my colleagues, and barely interacted with her apart from the basic checks every 10-15 mins. When I had handed her over to staff in day surgery, I squeezed her shoulder and smiled at her as a goodbye. She then took my hand, clasped it in both of hers, smiled, closed her eyes and brought my hand to her forehead, and after a moment kissed it. Tears sprung to my eyes. It as the first ‘thank you’ I’d received that week, and the most heart-warming one ever.
  • I’ve looked after patients of all different ages, races, cultures, pain tolerances, anxiety levels, etc .. it’s interesting to see how varied people are and that there are certain trends.
  • I never want to lose that feeling of jaw-dropping awe and rush of adrenaline at seeing and participating in surgery/anaesthesia.
  • There are some amazing nurses, some terrible nurses, mainly average nurses. Same goes for doctors. No need to be disappointed, just learn from them all.
  • I have a highly paranoid and guilty conscience, always have, but I’ve gotten better at rationalising it away sometimes.
  • I need to be more emotionally professional, not let things/people/circumstances sway my emotions so easily.. I’ve improved but have a long way to go.
  • one of the only things I loved about scrub nursing is feeling more competent and accomplished with each procedure you do – being progressively less stressed on the job to actually learn and even enjoy the procedure performed.
  • I will never forget the look of absolute terror in one of my patient’s eyes as they realised they’d come out of surgery hours earlier than expected to Recovery.. cold sweating, pleading with me with their eyes and mouth to explain what’d happened inside.. finally looking at me with eyes of resignation and almost disgust as they realise I’m not going to do so, not simply because it’s not my position to say as I wasn’t present in the operating room etc, but because I have no fucking desire or idea how to tell someone the worst has happened, that their last hope is crushed.
  • cling to the warm smiles, the “thank you”s, the LOLs with colleagues, the anaesthesia and surgery that finished uneventfully/successfully, the end of the day where you actually didn’t fuck up once
  • don’t let one bad thing ruin your whole day. That doesn’t even make sense and is utterly unfair.
  • it’s incredible how things that were once so foreign and difficult can become second nature with time and practise.
  • accept your patients easily -> care for them wholeheartedly -> let your patients go easily ..
  • food is not your friend or hobby .. food is fuel!!!
  • I can’t even count how many days I didn’t drink any water or pee in the whole shift because it was so busy and I was so paranoid I’d hold up the theatre. IT’S OKAY to take a couple of minutes.
  • THERE IS ALWAYS HOPE.
  • Not much actually depends on you, fully. You are merely a facet/cog, and the true burden is nowhere near as heavy as you feel it to be.
  • What people say to you is not a reflection of you so much as it is of them.
  • I made baby mistakes that I learned giant lessons from – very, ridiculously blessed and thankful for that.
  • For most of the year, I’d completely forgotten why I was doing this.. because it was all so hard, in every sphere of the human experience – physically, emotionally, socially, mentally, intellectually, spiritually.. because I wasn’t close with God. It’s no wonder I felt hell for half my program. I don’t want to make the same mistake this year, in the new place.
  • Most of the fight is won with your chosen attitude.
  • sometimes things work out well without you trying much, other times things will fall apart even with your best effort. Don’t break apart with it all.
  • I’ve been struggling to decide for/against studying medicine for so long and even still I will change my mind “FOR SURE” for/against every few months ..
  • I wonder if there is any other job with so many opportunities within a working day to share Christ’s love, be compassionate, store up Heavenly treasures for yourself, and be of professional and personal help to those who may be needing it most.
  • I forgot most of the year in the midst of dark and black colours the underlying, most important golden colour: the truth that I kind of. really.. love my job.

Very nervous and excited to continue my nursing career as an anaesthetic/recovery nurse at a new hospital from tomorrow..!

Cheers to another new year – I’m going to make it better than my last!

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