This post is mainly free writing, so it’s probable you may be confused.
This is me.
This whole year thus far – this month, this week, and especially this weekend has been intense. Indescribable. But somehow incomprehensible/subtle.. In a way that I understand something great and awesome happened and is happening, yet do not and can not fathom exactly how great and awesome it is. Like a child in a diamond palace, or a galaxy of burning, brilliant stars.
Time can be a friend, and it can be a foe, but one day saved is always one day gained.
Conditioning of the human mind is an incredibly simple but powerful thing.
Fear breeds fear, solitude breeds solitude, anger breeds anger, hopelessness breeds hopelessness.
The past 3.5 years have been the hardest of my life by far, and I know that struggles will continue, but today I again lay everything down before Jesus, and lifted my empty hands and wounded heart and sin-stained, stagnant life to Him for repentance, revival and healing. Without a doubt this is not a sudden miracle from out of the blue, but a miraculous shift spurred by a culmination of innumerable prayers, tears, attempts, failures, heartbreaks, faith – of countless people.. years of waiting, of hoping, of promising, of struggling and persevering.
I thought I had become the very person I never thought I’d be, that it was too late to change, that I didn’t even want to change.
I made deals with myself, and with all the wrong people.
I was my own provider and comforter, just me, myself and I.
I wanted God to prove Himself to me, to prove His faithfulness and love for me. Not as one amongst a sea of His people, but for me, personally, uniquely, undeniably just for me.
All of this seems so utterly foolish and immature and embarrassing now.. so clearly blurred from the reality of it all because I was lost, but now found once more. It’s like a flickering, dim light that has been brightening ever so slowly, and before I realized it the whole room was illuminated.God was always with me.
All along. From the beginning to the unknown end. Not as the hard-hearted, condemning, clinical, exasperated and unrelenting God I had somehow twisted His image to be.. but as my Father who is first and foremost bursting with love and compassion for me – who waited patiently as I bolted my heart shut, who guided me as I wandered the dark wilderness, who mourned and sheltered me as I was hurting and vainly self-medicating, who called to me time and time again even as I rejected and cursed Him. I didn’t have to force myself, as I attempted to many times over, to “please God” and “appease Him” and “do the right, Christian thing” – I’d turned our relationship into an unreal religion. And I was right about one thing – He is absolutely relentless in His love and faithfulness for His children. Relentless in insisting upon the greatest spiritual gifts, in pursuing those who are tempted or deceived away from light, in blessing and guiding us through the great adventure of life. Amazing love, amazing grace.
It’s as if I have trudged, limped, finally crawled to this forsaken place, thinking I was only able to make it here alive thanks to my own wits, sacrifices and suffering, and with some scraps of God’s mercy.. only to look back at the valley and realizing that God has guided me through the safest and most fruitful path possible. Seeing God’s hand of protection and anointment in every single leg of the journey. There are also small crowds of people here and there, in some places only one person, just out of sight and hidden in the treeline – all people who have helped me persevere through. How foolish and awed I feel now.
I knew everything with my head, and it was circulating freely to affect my thoughts and behaviour. I knew everything with my heart, but it was stored away in a vault and inaccessible. I knew, but I didn’t truly believe. To be more precise, I lost sight of the true face and character of God, and didn’t truly know Him. My main aim has been for some time, and will definitely continue to be, to start from square one and meet with God, know Him, walk with Him and build an unshakeable relationship rooted in scripture and faithful foundation.
Romans 8:18, 28
I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us… And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.
I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I now live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.
However, I consider my life worth nothing to me; my only aim is to finish the race and complete the task the Lord Jesus has given me – the task of testifying to the good news of God’s grace.
I sincerely believe that this revival in my heart and life will be lasting. I am filled with a new hunger for God, and with a nostalgically familiar certainty of hope and joy for my future. God truly had and has each and every one of my prayers and tears engraved in His heart.
I hope that this blog, amongst all else I do, will be glorifying to God and genuinely reflecting of myself and my life. Please keep me accountable and in your prayers to be kingdom-focused!
‘Project Janeuine‘, for real, starts now.