My 13 Month Memoir

By Hana X and Project Janeuine.
unedited raw rough building phase recording

:: LYRICS ::

I’m gonna lose all of you and everything I’ve wanted
Is this fair something that you wouldn’t mind
If I’m to lose all of you could you come right back to haunt me
Could you turn into something I could find

I’m gonna lose all of me in this wave that’s creeping higher
I can’t help but stand and watch from underneath
In a moment she’s gonna feed and I can’t do much to fight her
She will come she will sweep me off my feet

And I’m not ready to to leave our world behind me
But most of all I’m desperate not to leave you lonely
And I’m not willing to to lose my grip or mind
Although I’m terrified to tell you that I love you then goodbye
Then goodbye

I’m gonna lose all of us I can’t stand to watch this happen it’s not fair I can’t get you off my mind

It’s been 13 months since first working as a Registered Nurse doing a perioperative new graduate program. I rotated through scrub/scout, anaesthetics, recovery, and day surgery nursing – half of it was a wonderful new world, the other half pure hell, and I’ve emerged quite a different person.

I’ve been meaning to journal daily things I’d learned or experienced, but nope.. not even ONCE. Don’t want to think .. or remember .. but it’d be interesting to read back on this in the far future, and I’d read Oprah Winfrey’s ‘What I Know For Sure’ recently and was inspired.

Notes to self from my 13 months:

  • always be a grateful and keen learner, even when your “teacher” is .. not an ideal one
  • adapt, adapt, adapt. revise, revise, revise. It’s supposed to be hard in the beginning, WORK to get better faster.
  • some days, the only positive thing I could think of and be grateful for was not being hit by a bus to/from work.. but I think I’m getting better at being positive and choosing to be happy
  • stop rushing about. Take a step back and observe carefully first.
  • I remember looking after a very frail old European lady in Recovery who spoke no English. I was busy running between another more critical patient of mine and helping my colleagues, and barely interacted with her apart from the basic checks every 10-15 mins. When I had handed her over to staff in day surgery, I squeezed her shoulder and smiled at her as a goodbye. She then took my hand, clasped it in both of hers, smiled, closed her eyes and brought my hand to her forehead, and after a moment kissed it. Tears sprung to my eyes. It as the first ‘thank you’ I’d received that week, and the most heart-warming one ever.
  • I’ve looked after patients of all different ages, races, cultures, pain tolerances, anxiety levels, etc .. it’s interesting to see how varied people are and that there are certain trends.
  • I never want to lose that feeling of jaw-dropping awe and rush of adrenaline at seeing and participating in surgery/anaesthesia.
  • There are some amazing nurses, some terrible nurses, mainly average nurses. Same goes for doctors. No need to be disappointed, just learn from them all.
  • I have a highly paranoid and guilty conscience, always have, but I’ve gotten better at rationalising it away sometimes.
  • I need to be more emotionally professional, not let things/people/circumstances sway my emotions so easily.. I’ve improved but have a long way to go.
  • one of the only things I loved about scrub nursing is feeling more competent and accomplished with each procedure you do – being progressively less stressed on the job to actually learn and even enjoy the procedure performed.
  • I will never forget the look of absolute terror in one of my patient’s eyes as they realised they’d come out of surgery hours earlier than expected to Recovery.. cold sweating, pleading with me with their eyes and mouth to explain what’d happened inside.. finally looking at me with eyes of resignation and almost disgust as they realise I’m not going to do so, not simply because it’s not my position to say as I wasn’t present in the operating room etc, but because I have no fucking desire or idea how to tell someone the worst has happened, that their last hope is crushed.
  • cling to the warm smiles, the “thank you”s, the LOLs with colleagues, the anaesthesia and surgery that finished uneventfully/successfully, the end of the day where you actually didn’t fuck up once
  • don’t let one bad thing ruin your whole day. That doesn’t even make sense and is utterly unfair.
  • it’s incredible how things that were once so foreign and difficult can become second nature with time and practise.
  • accept your patients easily -> care for them wholeheartedly -> let your patients go easily ..
  • food is not your friend or hobby .. food is fuel!!!
  • I can’t even count how many days I didn’t drink any water or pee in the whole shift because it was so busy and I was so paranoid I’d hold up the theatre. IT’S OKAY to take a couple of minutes.
  • THERE IS ALWAYS HOPE.
  • Not much actually depends on you, fully. You are merely a facet/cog, and the true burden is nowhere near as heavy as you feel it to be.
  • What people say to you is not a reflection of you so much as it is of them.
  • I made baby mistakes that I learned giant lessons from – very, ridiculously blessed and thankful for that.
  • For most of the year, I’d completely forgotten why I was doing this.. because it was all so hard, in every sphere of the human experience – physically, emotionally, socially, mentally, intellectually, spiritually.. because I wasn’t close with God. It’s no wonder I felt hell for half my program. I don’t want to make the same mistake this year, in the new place.
  • Most of the fight is won with your chosen attitude.
  • sometimes things work out well without you trying much, other times things will fall apart even with your best effort. Don’t break apart with it all.
  • I’ve been struggling to decide for/against studying medicine for so long and even still I will change my mind “FOR SURE” for/against every few months ..
  • I wonder if there is any other job with so many opportunities within a working day to share Christ’s love, be compassionate, store up Heavenly treasures for yourself, and be of professional and personal help to those who may be needing it most.
  • I forgot most of the year in the midst of dark and black colours the underlying, most important golden colour: the truth that I kind of. really.. love my job.

Very nervous and excited to continue my nursing career as an anaesthetic/recovery nurse at a new hospital from tomorrow..!

Cheers to another new year – I’m going to make it better than my last!

New Soundclouder

Let’s ignore the delay between this and my last post. And my yearly attempts to do things consistently and actually improve at said things.

New start from 15 / 02 / 15 !!!!!

Stay tuned, lovely stalkers <3

Screen shot 2015-02-15 at 11.32.39 PM

Created by Hana X and Project Janeuine for 2013.
Resung by Hana X and Project Janeuine for 2015.

:: Lyrics ::

Lord I am done I’ll pick up the pieces
You are the one I know You can see this
Every breath to worship You every day
And I am strong and I’m smart and I’ll make You proud
I’ll protect my heart I won’t let it out
I won’t break apart I won’t dread or doubt Your ways

You are everything I need Lord this I know
You’re everything I need to move on
You’re everything I need in You I’ll grow
So I promise You my best
I promise I will change ’cause

I promise You Lord my whole heart
As broken beaten as it comes
I give You Lord my humble song
I’ll worship You all my life
I trust in You my numbered days
May Your love be revealed through my life
Only for You promise You I’ll live
Only for You

2015: New Year’s Cheer & Resol..Ambitions

How are we on this fine New Year’s Day, world?

It’s a signature Sydney summer day – 30 degrees, blazing sun and cloudless blue skies. Another New Year celebration’s over, and the only remnants of my night are some sparkling eyeshadow smudges on my knuckles, a tinge of perfume still in my hair, a noisy video, and a warm feeling of contentment. No hangover, though! Y’all know me.. (or now you do.) Hope you had a fantastic and memorable night to cherish, also.

No specific resolutions for me this year. However, I’m going to make a daily, concerted effort to change the way I think and speak. And of course, getting to know God more intimately each day. Our knowledge of God is concurrent with our love for Him and life.

I’m a chronic over-thinker. There are constant, endless streams of convoluted connections, theories, scripts, memories, melodies, and blasting music swirling ’round in my massively messy mind. Instead of being an idle spectator or feeling frustrated and trying to suppress it all (but really, Brain, C’MONNOW I/YOU need more than 0-2 hours sleep!!!!!), I’ll try to focus on a few things at a time and try to make something of it. I also need to stop thinking so dang acrimoniously of myself. I am hands aaaaall the way down my own worst critic, and I’ve read that people commonly instill harsh thoughts/beliefs to themselves that they’d never dream of saying to anyone around them. Is this true for you, too? As Jordan Belfort famously (and so.. eloquently..) said,

The only thing standing between you and your goal is the bullshit story you keep telling yourself as to why you can’t achieve it.”

As a first-world citizen, the pressure is almost wholly on you to succeed or not. The only one stopping and stepping on you, is you (basically this dude). Recognise -> Accept -> Change .. I think I’m halfway there. Cursing is one of my horrible habits, and the more comfortable I am with you the more I will cuss! However: reasons not to. Makes sense. Must speak words of affirmation and civility only! Also, using less “try”s and “may”s and more “will”s and “must”s. And graciously accepting compliments, instead of negating them.

I encourage you to be more loving, if not, accepting, of yourself this new year. Most everyone can do with more self-affirmation and kindness. You will surprise you if you just let you :) I’ll be sharing more of my baby-step creations, too, starting with: fbnye fbnye2

Hours

Months

Flowers

The 2015 clock has begun ticking! Have a truly HAPPY New Year – whatsoever that delineates for you!


ADDIT: The new annual report thang WordPress is rolling out is pretty cool and informative. This is a snapshot of the views this blog has had in 2014: wordpress2014viewsThere are bloggers out there who get that amount of traffic in a single day or hour, but I am very pleasantly surprised that the number even reached past 1K! Wow. Thank you so much for clicking by :)

HAD ME AT ‘HARDWARE SOCIETE’

hdws1
hdws3
hdws5
hdws6-7

http---makeagif.com--media-10-05-2014-b30uVjhdws12
hdws13
hdws14
hdws15
hdws16
hdws17-18
hdws19
hdws20-21
hdws22
hdws23hdws24
hdws25-26
hdws27

Yes, again with the lame title! But I swear that’s the only lame thing in this post, because the folks at The Hardware Societe are serious about producing a beautifully delicious brunch for patrons (a 20-25 minute wait minimum in the cold Melbournian morning will reveal that the customers are also serious about a seriously good brunch!).

Once our names were ticked off the wait-list doily by the tall and handsome waiter, we were ushered inside to any available seat – almost exclusively communal tables there. I’m not a fan of large, shared tables as firstly, you get no privacy to talk comfortably with your dining partner, and also because it may bring about awkward situations like sitting in front of affectionate lovebirds, or needing to ask the stranger next to you to pass the rapadura sugar who only responds with a stare, or being too embarrassed to take more photos in front of them – all three of which happened to me.

Luckily the very wonderful coffee that was soon brought out to us helped to fade out the discomfort and chill in our faces and bones. The food took a while to arrive, but it was only to be expected with the crowd, and I’m happy to report that it was certainly worth the wait!

The baked eggs with chorizo and pimento came in a small, rustic cast iron pot with pieces of baguette drizzled with olive oil on the side. The longer you leave the eggs, tomato, chorizo, cream, nuts, etc in the pot undisturbed, the more the eggs cook – so if you like eggs runnier, spoon around and up into your mouth faster! It was the heartiest breakfast I’d had in a long time, and it was getting difficult to finish especially with the baguette slices. I guessed at least 3 eggs in the pot, but the waitress confirmed only 2 eggs were used. The mushroom dish also tasted beautifully buttery and perfectly cooked.

I’m unsure whether to call the place a cafe or restaurant. The food is certainly a cut above your average cafe fare, but the atmosphere (casual and homey), constant whir of the coffee machine and in-and-out affair rings true of a cafe. Anyway. I’m definitely coming back, regardless of their seating arrangements and some rude wait staff, and want to try more of their adorable desserts too!

Side thoughts: After admiring and sipping our coffees I stood around watching the baristas at the counter until our food was ready, and the guy who was adding the steamed milk and creating latte art made an impression on me. Although there were plenty of orders there, he didn’t rush. He poured the milk gently and with visible concentration, holding the cup and jug up to his eye level, almost smiling as he finished up the artwork. Wasn’t too preoccupied to flash a smile and peace sign, either. The coffee I had there was the best I’d had during my short trip, and it confirmed my belief that heartfelt passion that starts quietly in one person will manifest in their work to touch many others.

CONTACT :

  • 118-120 Hardware St Melbourne, VIC, 3000
  • The Hardware Société on Urbanspoon

Got the Manchester Press Munchies

mnps1
mnps2
mnps3
mnps4
mnps5-6
mnps7
mnps8
mnps9
mnps10
mnps11
mnps12-13
mnps14B.M.A.T (bacon, mozzarella, avocado, tomato and apple chutney)

mnps15Reuben Rachel (pastrami, swiss cheese, sauerkraut, thousand island dressing)

mnps16

Mmm.. Bagelsss. Popularly thought as a quintessentially “New York” food, it certainly evokes memories of some childhood years there – toasting one to warmth, slathering it with cream cheese and devouring with a side of Cap’n Crunch or Frosted Flakes. Some Sydney cafés do have “bagels”, but that term is used loosely here as any kind of dense bread in a doughnut shape is called as such. I have been craving that unique texture of bagels for so long, and I was happy to try a beloved bagel cafe in Melbourne’s CBD. Also happy to hunt down the pleasant lane in which its located (Melbourne’s maps actually make sense and are neatly ordered unlike Sydney’s as shown here). Not ever really happy to wait in line, but it really was worth it!

The interior is decked with plenty of wood and metal, but is cosy with a vintage feel, and dimly lit with warm bulbs and a touch of sunlight. The buzz of people’s catchups, feel-good old school tunes like Rockin’ Robin, and grinding and steaming of coffee with its consequential heavenly smell reaching up to the high ceilings was uplifting.

After reading comments on trusty Urbanspoon about MP’s great coffee, I was excited to have my first coffee in Melbourne there but was disappointed. The house blend cappuccino was gorgeously presented with latte art but lacked heat and body.. my Melbournian friend also agreeing it was just “alright”. To make up for it, the bagels were fantastic – one was half coated in linseeds and the other in sesame seeds, the bread warm, chewy, and soft, and accompanied by a small green salad. The BMAT was a perfect level of salty and tangy, the layers of crisp bacon and mozzarella topped with a massive half avocado to balance it out. I wish there was a little more of the chutney – tasted so so good! It was a filling and thoroughly enjoyable bagel, and although it didn’t beat the memory of my childhood bagels, it was a deeelicious contender.

There is an interesting and tantalising variety of bagels both sweet and savoury to choose from and I’d love to go back to try them all.

Mmmm.. Craving another right. now.

Contact MP:

    • 03) 9600 4054
    • 8 Rankins Lane Melbourne, VIC, 3000

Manchester Press on Urbanspoon

Melbourne Magic (Photo-Diary Part 1)

mpto1
mpto2
mpto3
mpto4-5
mpto6
mpto7
mpto8
mpto9
mpto10
mpto11-12mpto13
mpto14
mpto15
mpto16-17
mpto18
mpto19
mpto20
mpto21
mpto22
mpto23
mpto24

I know I haven’t even finished the previous photo-diary of my trip to the Blue Mountains and Jenolan Caves.. but I’m feeling motivated to post up photos from my 3 night trip to Melbourne from a couple of weekends ago!

It’s only my second visit to this wonderfully chill rival and sister city. Melbourne is an intriguing hub, blending with ease trending modern style and pop culture with timeless grace and genteel charm. In the heart of the city the beautiful and historic Flinders Street Station and shiny new shopping mecca Emporium reside harmoniously, attracting tourists and Melbournians alike. Street-side you see the endless scuffle of popular stores and eateries vying for customers’ attentions, flecked with the quiet stone church here and old Victorian building there.

Blessedly, the weather was just gorgeous! Truly the beginning of Spring, the sun shone bright despite the chilly air and sunnies were in order. Sydney was still at the end of the looonnggg wet phase and I’m glad it didn’t rain in Melb – ain’t nobody got hands fo that! One hand for food, the other for shopping bags, my camera in between somewhere, and umbrella..? Forget it.

More than a few glimpses around the city made me nostalgic for New York. Maybe it was the yellow taxis, bare trees lining the Yarra, quirky streetstyle, graffiti, buildings..

All I know is that I so adore Melbourne. And I have a few special places (read: FOOD PLACES) I’d like to share with you :9 stay tuned!

Quarter of a Century

It has been MONTHS since I’ve last blogged, and I barely recall how to navigate around WordPress (nicely updated, btw) but I’d like to thank you random trickle of people who have been visiting :)

It’s my 25th birthday today. Sometimes I feel like I’m still 16 .. mostly though I feel like I’m 50. But  it’s definitely a blessing to have lived to this milestone, and I’m very grateful. Accidents and attacks happen on the daily, as do genetically inherited diseases and sudden illnesses – it could have been me. But it wasn’t. And I’m going to make a greater, concerted effort to make the most of my life now, and what it has been, for what it will be as planned by my loving God.

I’m not sure if it’s my calmer family environment, a recent high at work (Anaesthetic rotation FTWNEVERLETMEGOPLS), my skin stabilising, exercising more regularly, or the mental preparation/acceptance of turning 25 – but I’m feeling. great. hehe :) I just.. feel like.. a normal person my age. It’s all I’ve ever wanted, and it feels like some prestigious achievement though I’ve not done anything to get to this stage.. I feel and know that I am an adult now, that noone or nothing should or can hurt or sway me unless I allow it to. Too many “or”s but you get the point.

Self-efficacy is the difference. For what can’t I do with God’s guidance and anointing?

I thought, wished, that my 24th year of life would be the best and brightest. But I’m ready for my 25th one to be. No more hiding, or denying :) Oh, and less SERIOUSNESS. Seriously ;) Time to be who am, who I want and need to be.

Photos below are from my day out with my mother and mother’s mother (visiting from Korea) – three generation celebration! None of us ever thought we’d see the day. Also the most beautiful bouquet I’ve ever received in my life plus some early gifts <3

 
qoac1qoac2qoac4-3qoac5qoac7qoac8

Mountains & Caves Day 2

Day 2 Photo-diary:

 
mcdtwo1
mcdtwo2
mcdtwo7
mcdtwo3
mcdtwo4
mcdtwo5-6
output_KdfhkW
mcdtwo12
mcdtwo13
mcdtwo14
mcdtwo15
mcdtwo16
mcdtwo17
mcdtwo18
mcdtwo19
mcdtwo20
output_auwpcC
mcdtwo26
mcdtwo27
mcdtwo28mcdtwo29
mcdtwo30
mcdtwo31mcdtwo32
mcdtwo33
mcdtwo34
mcdtwo35
mcdtwo36

 

 

Day 2 Schedule:

  1. Wake up and enjoy the buffet brekkie in the beautiful, old-world elegant dining room.
  2. Do the Temple of Baal Cave Tour! It was just incredible.. not much walking at all, being in awe of the ethereal formations and taking in the history of that cave and its early explorers. The names of the formations are Biblical in nature, as the extraordinary young man who discovered them was Christian and inspired by figures and events from the Bible. It was a Sunday morning, so there were only about 8 people which made the atmosphere even better, almost reverent. Highly recommended.
  3. Drive to the Carrington Hotel in Katoomba and snoop all around the grand Victorian building, transported to another era. So beautiful!
  4. Grab lunch at a local eatery and walk (the very LONG walk) down to Echo Point and the Three Sisters.
  5. Explore, explore, explore! Mindfulness. Clarity. Breathe. I adore the sounds of the birds that rise from the forests and valleys below.
  6. Back to base to unpack and change. The drinks were calling and plush armchairs inviting in the sitting room near the bar. Chat and drink, like a sir!
  7. Check out the Old City Bank Bar – wood-fired pizzas (delish!), chess, more drinks.
  8. Nightfall .. admire the Carrington, fall in love all over again. Prepare a spa with skincare and edible treats.
  9. Quiet time.
  10. ZzzzZZz~

It’s been a while since I’d intended to post this up! I have just started full-time work as a perioperative nurse with orientations finally out of the way, so things have been a little hectic and exhausting (this calls for another post).

Day 3 coming soon! ;)

100 Days of Gratitude & Happiness

100days

This s a new undertaking I have been meaning to do since the beginning of the year via Instagram.

I find it very difficult to get along with the world I am in, and with the people who live it “normally”, mindlessly, sensibly as expected, socially acceptably .. but that doesn’t make me any less affected by its conventions and temptations..

I just want to find balance and be at peace ..

I want to love the life I live, the life I have been given and will forge.

I ultimately want to love myself more .. and this project is a step towards that.

Here is Day 1!

I’d joined IG to document slices of everyday life, as a personal reminder of things that I was grateful for or made me happy that day. That soon gave way to first world complaints here and comparing myself or faking normalcy there.. so for 100 days I will be making a concerted, daily effort to recognise things that I am sincerely grateful and genuinely happy about/for! Feel free to do it with me or block/hide me.
D:1/100 ☆ I’m sincerely grateful that I have much in my life to be grateful about, and will discover more that I’m not yet grateful about. ♡ I’m genuinely happy that I’m taking steps to become a more positive person.
#100DaysofGratitudeandHappiness #ProjectJaneuine